if she had a conversation with Sal (Some monologues from our script 'Broken Dolls)

Soooo, Sal...

You know how I'm nearly thirty...

Yup, no, I am totally OK with it, I mean it's fine. I got ID'd the other day. Ridiculous because I was buying Camembert and red wine, please tell me what teenager eats Camembert. When I was fifteen I was buying cheese strings and Bacardi Breezers... Although Sal, youngsters are far more sophisticated than we ever were. I saw a thirteen year old smoking an electric ciggie on the bus. It's actually cool 'not' to smoke. 

Anyway, I digress. The thing is Sal, you are good at being an adult, I mean look at you, you wear matching socks and I on the other hand have my card declined when buying toothpaste. So bare this in mind when I tell you... I'm nearly thirty and I have... crabs.

Yes crabs, and I thought I should tell you because we share towels... Well then I thought I should tell you that sometimes I use your posh, fluffy towels. 

I slept with Derek, yes the one that wears cuban heels. 

Because Sal, I had not had sex for like six months... Fine, split hairs... 'nine' months. And I had had two glasses of wine... and he said I had nicheeehands.

What? Sorry?

Oh alright... because he said I had NICE HANDS, alright, satisfied? You know what Sal, screw you and your judgey face. Sometimes I'm vulnerable, sometimes I'm a little bit needy...

And sometimes... I do not shave down there for more than NINE months.